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15 THINGS A MAN CAN DO AT WAL-MART WHILE HIs WIFE/GIRLFRIEND IS TAKING HER SWEET TIME 1. Get 24 boxes of condoms &randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking. 2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals. 3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest-rooms. 4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone: 'Code 3 in Housewares' . . and see what happens. 5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay-away. 6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 7. Set-up a tent in the Camping Department -- and tell other shoppers you're sleeping over; invite them in if …

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?" He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own, so does she."

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the road and told the blonde to stand in the circle and not move. He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh, you think that's funny? Watch this." He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tire…

There were these 3 midget brothers. They have lived a rough life, but always took pride in knowing that one of them had the smallest hands, one of them had the smallest feet, and one of them had the smallest pecker. They decide to try to get themselves in the Guiness Book of World Records. When they get to the office to show off their hands, feet and pecker, the president of the GBofWR calls them in one at a time... The first midget goes in and comes back out about 10 minutes later. His smiles tells the whole story. He tells his brothers that after some measuring, it was official, he would now be the world record holder for smallest hands. The second midget goes in and co…

A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of Bud and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin, and I'm in Texas. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leave…

deer santa: I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer. Yer Frend, BiLLy Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a frigging book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell! Santa Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what y…

A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly poppin…

A man with a speech impediment goes into a nut shop, and the first thing he notices is that the guy behind the counter has the largest nose he's ever seen. The man with the speech problem quickly turns his attention to the merchandise and asks, "Ess-tues me, sir?" "Yes?" replies the clerk. Tould you tale me how mutsh your pisstasheos arr?" "Pistachio's? They're $6 a pound." "SSit!" The tongue-tied guy goes back to browsing and then asks, "Welp, how mutsh arr your aahhmons?" "Almonds? They're $7.50 a pound." "SSIT! tas pensive," replies the tongue-tied man. "Welp, how bout your pikanns?" "Pecans? They're on sale today, they're only $4.50 a pound" "Welp, Ssit. Just di…

start at the top and pick each condition... click here for the test wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

hope you have a good one buddy, your one of my favorite people that I have never met in person, don't drown in the Molson XXX

Seems like my wife is the worst. For example, I check the bank accounts regularly and I keep very good track or what is coming out and going in. But my wife has a different take on it. She thinks as long as she has checks there is money in the bank. This is bad enough, but then she forgets to tell me and things go from bad to worse. Like for instance, she forgot to tell me about 3 checks she wrote a few days ago. Tap that in with the normal bills that go out and you end up with a balance of -$380. Thakfully it is Payday tomorrow and My check will cover the balance deficit and we can still pay all our bills, but damn. Just between last night and what will hit tonight it wi…

V8 806bhp

i'm not gonna leave them up for too long cuz photobucket can only allow so much linking of images. :4123357f3da0f6e125a54:

Damn bro, you were working hard today!

:4123357f3da0f6e125a54:

Wouls this be considered corrupting my child? I say I am preparing her for the real world:) On a side note she is pretty damn lucky with that slot machine

how do i do it!!!???

Yo, for any of you who like Rock, Funk, Jazz, Hip-Hop, Drum and Bass, Reggae, or Jam Bands go and check out my new band on soundclick. I just set the site up earlier today and put some of our jams up on there. These are all intrumentals and are all improv straight outta nowhere. Lemme know what you think... http://www.soundclick.com/spontuscalem oh by the way im the drummer...

this is a copycat from ca.com... anyone know what their vehicle will do? i just got a gtech from ebay..man, this thing is neat. i haven't used the gforce measurements yet... wife's 2004 pontiac grand prix gt2 with the 3.8ltr 200hp SAE net rating...0-60 in 8.1 sec with the 1/4 mile going by in 16.4 @ 87mph...no hp readings yet. my 2004 siverado with the 295hp SAE net rated 5.3ltr did 9.1secs 0-60, with the 1/4 going by in 17.1 @ 81 mph. with a GVWR of 6400pds (minus 4 ppl i inputed 5700pds), i got a 235 hp rating including drag at the wheels. a friend's 1987 buick turbo t did the 0-60 in 5.4 secs with the 1/4 going by in 12.5 @ 115 mph. he's also putting 250 hp to the grou…

Well, I want you guys to look over my logic. I was figuring that after winter I'd buy some new tires for the Mazda (FWD). Right now there are four all seasons on it. It appears as though the original factory front tires were moved to the rear, and a new set of all seasons were purchased and placed on the front. The tires in the rear don't have a lot of tread left on them - in fact, they look just like a street drag radial with minimal tread. I enjoyed yanking the e-brake through the floor when I didn't have the uberwoofer in there ... needless to say, I don't do that anymore. There's plenty of tread left on the front all seasons. I figure I'll throw the front all seaso…

this is NOT WORK SAFE ***NWS*** http://www.car-sex-positions.com/index.html

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. ------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a se…

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A little while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had. The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine." The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby." The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass and he'll pass a Harley Davidson." wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for early retirement a bonus of $1000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer's got to choose what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000. The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000. The third one was a grizzly …